With wholehearted determination
Creating and sustaining a life of worthiness
What moves you? When I reflect on moments that bring a swell of emotion, over and over again I notice a common thread. It gathers in patterns of admiration for those who live wholeheartedly.
The folks who seem to hold relentless conviction.
An unwavering belief.
A commitment to something more.
It’s intriguing to consider how this pattern has emerged. Perhaps I’ve always held a yearning to live in this way and celebrate others to do the same. Part of this, I think, comes from early inspirations. From school teachers who recognized something in me and encouraged me to shine. From my mother, who could have accepted the cards dealt to her in life and instead chose a courageous path, determined to create something different for herself and, subsequently, me.
A while ago, I was watching the series finale of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, a show about a housewife who, despite societal expectations, chose to pursue a career in comedy. Even with many advantages afforded to her, Midge Maisel was reminded in many ways that she wasn’t good enough and wouldn’t succeed in her dreams. The comedy spotlight, at that time, was for men and regardless of her wit and passion, she was shut down repeatedly.
In the finale, Midge yet again experienced a suppression of her potential. Instead of succumbing to hopelessness, Midge made a bold choice. She took the reins of her life and leveraged a brief moment of opportunity to showcase her talents to the world.
Her words deeply resonated with me and I quickly found myself with water flowing from my eyes as she stated:
“I want a big life. I want to experience everything. I want to break every single rule there is.
They say ambition is an unattractive trait in a woman. Maybe.
But you know what’s really unattractive? Waiting around for something to happen. Staring out a window thinking the life you should be living is out there somewhere but not being willing to open the door and go get it, even if someone tells you you can’t.”
What does it mean to live a big life?
A big life doesn’t need to be loud, though it can be a life of advocacy.
It doesn’t mean a life on center stage, though you can use your voice to create more of what you want in this world.
Mostly, it’s a life worth living. Aligned and congruent with passion, with courage, and with a deep sense of joy. An inner knowing that lights the expansive path which is most meaningful and resonant for you.
The theory of self-determination1 illuminates some of the psychological factors which propel us towards this way of being. As a way of understanding intrinsic motivation, the type of motivation that draws upon internal drive versus external rewards, this theory suggests that humans hold three basic needs:
Autonomy: A sense of freedom and choice. That it’s possible to shape our own destiny, even if it’s simply choosing how one responds to what is unfolding.
Competence: A sense of being capable and skilled in whatever endeavours are desired. The piece of us that is certain and confident.
Relatedness: The social connection that provides a sense of support. The hands on your back as you move forward.
Variations exist between how much of any of these needs a person will thrive with. Like three distinct instruments, the melodies these create are unique depending on the notes and harmonies of each. Regardless, the self-determined person creates and sustains a life of their choosing.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost, “The Road Not Taken”
Last year, in an act of self-determination, I submitted proposals for presentations at the largest conference in my field. Much to my delight, my submissions were accepted. I would have the chance to share my thoughts and research on a global stage.
As swiftly as the excitement set in, so too did the nerves. I glanced at the list of speakers on the conference website and thoughts of “who I am to be presenting among these talented, wise, and established scholars?” ran rampant through my head.
I disclosed these concerns to my manager a few days before the conference. In quick reply, he implored “Steph, go and be big. You belong there.”
Those few words had a huge impact. I felt bolstered by the support and encouragement. I know that at times, often in effort to be inclusive, my pattern is to play small. To not stand in my power, my wisdom, or my belief in myself. Doubt and unsteadiness set in quickly, even after years and years of learning and experience.
My sense of strength grew as I carried the words “be big!” on my shoulder. With resolve, I attended the conference and not only presented with a calm ease, I also found myself creating and deepening connections with many of those scholars and practitioners with whom I admire.
Reflecting on the experience, I am reminded the power of ‘and’:
I can be confident and I do not need to be the best.
I am wise and there is so much more to learn.
Others are superb and I have a lot to offer too.
Leading Wholeheartedly
In her renowned TED Talk on vulnerability, Brené Brown suggests the wholehearted live with a deep sense of worthiness. Not only do they stand with and for courage, compassion, and connection, they also demonstrate vulnerability through their willingness to be seen and to sit with uncertainty even, or especially, when things are difficult. To disrupt societal norms of overconsumption and numbing, Brené asserts vulnerability as the key to joy, love, and belonging.
Note: if you haven’t already seen this impactful video, I encourage you to take twenty minutes now to do so. Better yet, even if you have seen it once or ten times, watch it one more time to notice what may be new or resonant for you now
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
- Mary Oliver, “The Summer Day”
Leading wholeheartedly is holding an orientation towards worthiness, for self and all others.
It’s being willing to be seen and to see others.
Further, it requires us to rejoice in abundance rather than shatter in scarcity and competition.
Beyond considering what might be needed for oneself, the wholehearted leader seeks and creates the conditions for all to thrive. Their strength and determination propel them forward and forge future pathways for others, much like mountain springs carving new valleys that expand possibility.
I am committed to bringing my voice and to amplify the self-determination of others.
Perhaps this is what calls me forth with courage, even when I hesitate.
How about you? What drives you?
What is your ‘big’ life?
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2008). Self-determination theory: A macrotheory of human motivation, development, and health. Canadian Psychology = Psychologie Canadienne, 49(3), 182-185. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012801
You write so beautifully, Stephanie. When we read your work it is like we are taken on a journey of discovery and rejuvenation, in mind and spirit ❤️ Always learning something AND feeling something, thank you.